5 things to never say to a teller

1. When asked how you would like your cash back, don't say "American" or "green" or "negotiable" or "pennies". All I have is "American", it's not even all "green" any more, what do you mean "negotiable"? We don't have live chickens or exotic spices to trade you. And if you piss me off enough I WILL give it to you in "pennies", douchebag. You're not clever so quit it.

2. "Got any extra money?" Only if you'd like to take extra out of your account.

3. "Are you giving out free samples today?" You can sample my goddamn fist in your smug face, bastard.

4. "The other branch does/doesn't do this." So then go back to that "other branch" you twat.

5. "Got any money left?" Nope. Sorry. Go home.

Scenes from the Teller Line

We've had a table set out in our lobby for customers all week. It has different goodies on it, including some cookies, for our customers. Everyday at about 3 pm, the same scene plays out: one of our slacker back-room employees comes into the lobby, and looks at the table as if she'd never seen it there before- literally, she does an exaggerated double-take. Then she peers closer at the table and, lo and behold, cookies! Her hands fly to her cheeks, surprised and pleased, like a tiny child on Christmas morning. She takes a quick glance around the lobby, shrugs her shoulders so high they touch the tops of her ears, and picks up and napkin. Here, the acting gives way to greed: she quickly loads the napkin with one of each delicious cookie variety (there are 4 total) and shuffles off with her head down, probably to avoid the looks of disgust and incredulouness that she knows us front-liners are giving her.
The funny thing is, she has done this for three days straight. The same charade played out to the same audience at around the same time everyday. Give it up, lady.

Not too tired to punch your effing nose in...

From Dear Abby:
DEAR ABBY: What do you answer when someone says, "You look tired"? I seem to get this a lot lately, and I know it's because I'm looking older. People may be showing concern, but don't you think it's a little bit of a downer? -- OLDER, NOT TIRED
DEAR NOT TIRED: Not only is it a downer, it's also rude. When someone makes that comment, simply reply, "But I'm not tired. I sleep very well, thank you." Then watch the person try to remove foot from mouth.

My usual reponse is "I am." and then I silently add "... of douchebags like you" in my head, but I guess this works too. I'd like to explain that I work 40+ hours a week, go to school full time, and try to maintain a relationship and some semblance of a social life ALL AT THE SAME TIME but that would conflict with #2. I'd also like to respond, "You look ugly", but I can't get fired quite yet.

Celine Dion, you are not.

I hate it when people just start singing in public. Not humming or whistling, but full-on singing. This is a bank, not tryouts for American Idol. And then, while singing, they always glance at you expectantly, fishing for a compliment. Apparently you haven't been here before because I will tell you exactly what I think of your horrendously off-key, mannish singing voice if you keep it up, lady.